A day off . . . no husband, no urgent chores, a sore throat.
I had to stay home and the weather was bad. I thought
I would watch "La Vie en Rose" but it just seemed like
a downer. Instead I broke out the iPod I received for
Christmas. What a great way to spend a "sick day".
I had hours of fun choosing music. I'm a runner and
plan to listen while running. But, maybe not. I went
down so many roads as the various songs came up.
And even the sad memories were good because they
were a part of my history. This entry is not very
focused because I am listening to The Cars as I
write. I will focus later but right now I am just having
a ball listening to music, old and new.

I went off my antidepressants and discovered I've been
screwed. I started taking Celexa because I was so down
and crying all the time. My life was painful. My medi-
cation made life so easy. I hardly ever felt that "pissed
off" feeling. Little and even big things just didn't seem
to bother me. I felt like a very Christian woman; I had
a bigger perspective. I was happy most of the time.
I had almost no sex drive but, as long as I was willing,
my husband didn't care. A placid wife who knew how
to make the right moves and perform some traditional
stuff and was almost always available was perfect.
So, a few weeks ago I was feeling content. I had been
working out alot and the endorphins felt like "enough".
My prescription ran out, I called in the refill, and then
I just got crazy busy. In the past, I have "weened"
myself off of this medication. And I've been successful.
After a year or so, something would happen and I felt
like I needed the drug. This time, I just couldn't get
to the pharmacy. It's been about 2 weeks. I picked up
the prescription today but I didn't take it. I am ready
to confront some people who have taken advantage of
my good (and medicated) nature.

Exactly a week ago I finished a half-marathon. I hadn't run in
a race in about 20 years. It was something I did with my first
husband. We would read the old "Runner's World", pick a
race we wanted to join, and train together. We found running
together really good therapy. Stuff that didn't seem worth
mentioning a day or two ago would kinda bubble up to the vocal
chords and come out. But, by then, it was less emotional.
And, you'd been running so you were feeling good. Anyway
it was good for the relationship.
Craig started drinking more about the same time he began to
train less. The last race we entered together was a marathon.
He injured himself early in our preparations. So, I would lace up
my tennies and he would pour himself a drink. Sometimes
he would be mean, not always. I was just really glad to go
out and train and get away. He had to drop out of that race
and I finished.
A few years later he did the ultimate drop out when his heart
failed. I am still in the race.

I can't believe what a different person I am in 2008. Today I am working
on my one personal room in the "family home". It's an old bedroom that has
been converted into my office. It wasn't just the financial expense I had
to endure. It was the emotional expense in terms of anger from my step
daughter who resented any change to her old home and challenge to her
memories. It was worth it. I love my office. It is beautiful--all cherry wood
with storage, shelves, special spaces for my memories which are discounted
in this family.
In 1993, I bought my own home. I was single and it was thoroughly me.
Sometime that year, I hung a collection of my needlework on the upstairs
landing. It took a weekend. First, I laid out the pieces on the floor. I
changed the display many times until everything was perfect. Then I
used exact measurements to space everything precisely. I believe my
tolerances were less than one-eighth of an inch. By Sunday night
it was finished. It was done.
Today I have two walls that I plan to use for anything that I like or is meaning-
ful to me. Most of these are little paintings or sketches that I have picked up
on my travels. So, I just started with a part of one wall. Within ten minutes
four pictures, one cross, and one icon were up. The spacing isn't perfect; it's
slightly random. I like it. And it will never be finished. There's lots of room
for new additions as I live, learn, and travel. I like the 2008 me better.