Lent
This feels like Lent--dark, subdued, sober.
So for my 6 weeks I decided to "go for it".
No alcohol, no online shopping, no anti-
depressants. I'm also mentoring my
Bible study group and getting involved
with a women's shelter, Colette's House.
On top of that I am attending family
therapy once a week.
I usually have so many "things" to
distract me or bring me pleasure.
I've tried to strip those away for the
next six weeks. I feel like I'm functioning
in a more somber world but don't really
feel depressed. How would I describe it?
More thoughtful, more quiet, more
reflective, more aware of the down and
living less on the up.

Family therapy last night with my oldest step-daughter.
Evidently I am materialistic, a hypocrite, and insensitive.
I earned my blog name last night. It isn't really the names
that bother me. It's the true "meanness" in the con-
demnation. I know that I am not perfect but it is
depressing to be judged so harshly. I am in mourning
for what could have been. I had hoped that there
could be a gentleness in our relationship. I guess
it is time to "accept the things I can not change".

Not a great day. The yearly all day staff meeting. Wow, it sucks to
not be the boss any more. Evidently, I am not completing certain
forms correctly. And my verbal skills need work. My production and
profitability are over the top but "there's always room for improvement".
I really felt like I was being attacked today. There are hundreds of ways
to approach and solve any problem. In this new environment, however,
there seems to be only one way.
Now I sound like every other employee in the world. I feel like a whiner.
I just want the freedom to do my job the best way I know how. And I'm
very successful. So why did I get the pounce?
It certainly didn't feel like team building to me. There are a hundred ways
that I can retaliate. All are small, almost imperceptible. Not staying late,
not referring within the office, changing the schedule to suit MY needs.
Arriving late for the staff meetings, leaving small chores for others to do,
not being available for after hours meetings. The possibilities are delicious.
I may never be so underhanded but knowing that I can makes me feel
better.
Mmmm . . . being a "non team player". Tempting, devious, interesting.